Vitalistic

So, Burlesque

2011-02-21T11:21:00.000-08:00

Becoming part of an underground, albeit thriving, community such as the Vancouver Burlesque community has presented a variety of unforeseen challenges. Yes networking is a challenge, yes finding the funds and time factor as well, and the sporadic nature of creativity can hamper even the most determined performer. Identity may prove to be the most difficult aspect to wrangle.

For some, choosing a performance identity is a matter of being themselves to music. For others, it's the opportunity to become a completely new character. The simplicity of those concepts obscures several important nuances. Going through this process opens your eyes to the fact that whatever characterization you go with - that's the role you are carving out for yourself. It's who you will be to everyone you meet within that community. And they want to know you that way. It's the first thing they will ask - what's your stage name? No matter how inclusive and welcoming people are, they are assessing you in part on this item. That's because creating yourself within a closed, tightly knit community requires you pick up on the politics of that space almost before you start.

Does someone in your area already have the performance name that you've chosen? Does your chosen name sound too close to anyone else's? You don't want to step on any toes right out of the gate. Likewise, somehow you have to develop routines and a style that don't bite on what anyone else has got going on. These are gestures of basic respect for the genre and other performers, much like listening to the flow of a conversation before interjecting your own opinions on the topic to show that you're engaging with the other participants, not just masturbating in public.

Once you start to think about your creative efforts in this way, you can get further mired in these sorts of considerations. Are you doing songs that are "appropriate," ie. has anyone else been doing that song in your area, has that song been part of any keystone historical performances, and whatnot. You run the risk of seriously offending people on two fronts when it comes to song choice. If you aren't intimately familiar with your local scene, you may not know that one of the other established performers does that song, perhaps on a regular basis, perhaps as a signature performance. If you're new to burlesque, you may not be tremendously aware of the history of the genre. Have you attempted a performance that is already "owned" by one of the legends of burlesque? If the answer to any of these questions is "yes," then you're in trouble.

These quagmires might incline you not to over determine your performance character until you've been performing for some time. Yet, for those starting off, you need somewhere to start and having a character and aesthetic can provide a platform for you to jump off at. The resulting tension is frustrating.

Conservation, ethics and pragmatism

2010-05-22T11:26:00.000-07:00

This coming week is my last at The Land Conservancy. I found I couldn't trade job security for two more months of ethically fulfilling yet infuriatingly stunted work.

In my seven months there, I saw the beginning of a 5 year campaign to save hectares of natural space, and I saw the end of a 2.5 year campaign to purchase Madrona Farm - an organic farm that provides food to 1500 households and restaurants on Vancouver Island. I saw the restoration of Craigflower Schoolhouse after it was ravaged by fire.

The Land Conservancy is a very unusual conservation organization; it's mandate is to save pretty much anything that plays an important role in the community. Officially it is to save spaces of agricultural, heritage, or environmental importance. However, if there isn't a strong community interest in save a place then the chances of TLC being interested are limited.

There are so many things I wish for this organisation. And I love working for things I believe in - despite the fact that doing writing and public education seem somewhat removed from on the ground property stewardship.

Nonetheless, I start as an academic advisor with the Arts Institute at the end of the month. TLC can't offer me an ongoing position. Or at least they can't say one way or the other. A livable wage, RRSP contributions, benefits...These are the things that bought me. Am I selling out? Is it possible to work on something you believe in without sacrificing the life goals you set for yourself? Is it so bad that I just want to pay back my student loans?

2010-04-28T14:00:00.001-07:00

Why did it never occur to me that there was something genetically innappropriate about mass replanting after logging?

Good things

2010-03-28T19:12:00.001-07:00

Good things that have happened to me in the last year and a half:
1) acceptance to awesome conference
2) funding for awesome conference
3) great apartment
4) another great apartment falling into my lap when first apartment became less great
5) job offers
6) new career passion discovered
7) reconnection with estranged family and friends

I was about to be jealous of a friend who has some really awesome things going right now....then i remembered that things are also rocking for me even if they get lost in a fury of packing and work hiccups.

Environmentalist, Spawn of the BC Ministry of Forests

2009-06-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

One day when I was in Grade 4, I came home from school with one of those colouring posters that shows a slice of forest ecology; here's an owl, here's a tree, here's a deer... In the lower corner of my poster was a logger. When I showed my mother my completed artwork, she said to me of the loggers "Your daddy builds the roads for those loggers." Thus, a piece of colouring homework provided the initial site for ongoing, sublimated feelings of guilty shame in my father and I.

My mother had no sooner uttered those words than I began a righteous tirade. I confronted my father, as much as it could be said I did so considering in Grade 4 my head barely reached his belt. I chastised him for allowing foresters into the forest to cut down the trees and indignantly asked him if he knew that he was damaging the forest ecosystem and ruining the environment. My father put in for a transfer to Highways later that week.

He didn't stay for long and my burgeoning environmentalism seemed to pass like a mere fancy, distracted as I was by things like ballet lessons, baseball and the transition of moving mid-school year. But as it turns out, when we each get stripped down to our core values my dad truly loves his job and believes in the purpose set for him by the Ministry of Forests and I am inevitably seduced by the call of conservationism.

Odd as it may sound, this schism of ideology doesn't hurt our relationship. In fact it has virtually no explicit influence on us at all. Our divergent and opposed beliefs work upon us by far more implicit venues. We are affected by a mutually held guilt that our beliefs let the other person down. The only evidence of its effects rests in two instances. In the story I have just told you, my dad felt he was somehow not living up to the person his daughter expected him to be and attempted to change. Over the past weekend, we negotiated the same dynamic.

The past year has been quite a trial for me in terms of career and life goals, the result of which has been a switch for me from studying Victorian Literaure to pursuing a career in environmental and animal studies (academic or otherwise). One of the catalysing factors for this change was a class I took on the fetishization of the West Coast forest. To make a long story short, I was lucky enough to present my final paper from that course at this year's ASLE conference, where it and I was embraced with open arms. I now have to offers for publishing, an invitation to join ALECC and a network of people in the field of literature and the environment to contact about future plans. David Suzuki was in the audience when I presented my paper.

Afterwards, I phoned my dad and shared my success with him. With a mixture of pride and embarassment on both sides, he congratulated me and told me to be happy with what I have accomplished. But not without calling David Suzuki a forestry basher and asking me if I told everyone that logging was evil and we should stop all human infringement on the forest. I said "No, I think we should log it all [it being the Pine Beetle forest], start processing our own lumber instead of shipping it to Japan or the States, and allow for natural burn-off." Then my dad was truly proud of me. We seem to have found some sort of common ground, united by pragmatic acceptance that it is in the best interest of all stakeholders to come up with the best possible forest management practice. The forestry industry doesn't want to dessimate the forest - that would be the end of their existence. And as far as conservation goes, I'm not a traditional conservationist. I do not believe that no forest management is the best forest management and I also don't think that preventing human use of the forest is a feesible option. I don't think this new position would have been inhabitable to me without the emotional tension underpinning my childhood. Perhaps it has helped pave the way for a new avenue of environmental education - for lack of a better phrase, conservational/environmental pragmatism.

Birding gone astray

2009-02-18T20:18:00.000-08:00

So, I decided to take up birding a few weeks ago. I bought a Smithsonian guidebook to North American birds. It came with a cd of excellent bird calls that shows a pic of the bird on your mp3 player. They make excellent alarm noises for those of you who have ipod alarm clocks.
Anyhow - listening to the weird noises bluejays make (sound like misty bells) it occurred to me that they should be used as elements of some sort of musical endeavor.

Todd plays guitar and is into atmospheric stuff and I'm hoping that bass guitars aren't hard to transition to from violins.

There may or may not be more to follow.

Mid-Career Crisis

2009-02-05T23:42:00.000-08:00

Seven years of post-secondary education in English and Philosophy. Where will it really get me? I know I'm good at it, but that doesn't mean I'll get a job at the end. If I do, it may not be the kind of gainful employment necessary to pay off the massive amount of student debt accrued getting that employment.

This is the basic concern of just about every graduate student I know. At least in the Humanities. But what is to be done? Also like the other grad students I know, I have contemplated other career options - I have even gotten as far as coming up with careers I may even be passionate about (though theory and reality don't always match up, like when I first realised that being a prof meant no 9-5 hours). My naivete aside, other problems appear.

A part of me desperately wants to work for Environment Canada or Canada Wildlife Service. I blame my newfound interest in ecocriticism and resurgence of a longstanding infatuation with ecological/wildlife concerns. Sounds fine, except that the logistics of retraining are ridiculous.

I am in debt, so I can't pay for retraining. I'm 26, so being unemployed into my 30's is pretty intimidating. I've delayed entry to the labour force for so long that employers may hesitate to hire me. I've earned 3 degrees so employers may hesitate to hire me. My skills are so applicable to every job that no one asks explicitly for them, thus very few job applications seem to apply. My skills are so applicable that they are simultaneously without specific application, so few job applications seem to apply.

The biggest problem though is that there is no right answer. I am left facing a choice that affects every portion of my life and there is no advice, no epiphany, no knowledge to be had over what I should do and what I shouldn't. I almost went and had my tea leaves read to see if a complete stranger (and possibly grifter) had any insights into my career options that may have eluded me.

I hear the biological clock ticking. It has nothing to do with babies and everything to do with education, money, seniority and retirement packages.

Environmentalism and Animal Welfare: Mututally Exclusive?

2009-02-02T14:08:00.000-08:00

Now, I haven't had the chance to really suss out this apparent irreconcilable difference between holding the two ideologies of environmentalism and animal rights/welfare. However, it occurred to me that it may be terribly difficult to enact certain desires of each without embodying hypocrisy.

Taken to an extreme, certain environmental tenets proclaims a necessity for "returning to the earth". That is, we ought to forsake (as much as is possible) the artificialities of human existence. By artificialities I do not mean, like Thoreau, that we should extract ourselves from society. Society in and of itself is integral and beneficial to human existence. It has also been documented in innumerable animal congregations and thus cannot be called singularly human. I mean instead that we move away from man-made things and embrace naturally found resources to facilitate our lives. Evidence of this mindset is most prominently found in advertising - because it work; a rash of consumables with "90%+ all natural ingredients" like make-up and cleaning products have hit the market in the last ten years. Think of it as putting our lifestyles on a whole food/marcobiotic diet.

Here's where things start to get muddy. In many ways, synthetics have come to replace the natural resources that we used to use and that many would have us return to. Specifically, synthetics are often used to replace animal-derived products. Although part of this shift has to do with the excitement and lure of science and progress, part of it has to do with an increased awareness of item production and the role of animals as consumables. Companies hoping to "ethically" cash in on pro-animal sentiment advertise animal free products and testing. Instead, synthetics are used to replace the animal-derivatives.

So if we fully reject synthetics, animals (more fully) resume their role as consumables. If we swear off animal consumption, synthetics abound. Is there any way to happily inhabit both ideologies simultaneously?

A brief aside

2008-11-17T16:42:00.000-08:00

In the wake of a recent rash of romantic devastation (not my own, but rather of those who are dear to me), I dwell on a single question: What is the difference between a life partner and a marriage partner? Surely it's one of those square/rectangle relationships; a marriage partner should be a life partner but a life partner may not be a marriage partner.

Regret that can only be enabled by Relief

2008-11-10T21:50:00.000-08:00

Last month, I made the decision to take next year off of school. This will be my first official break since summer 2002, which so far has constituted my only semester off school since - ever really. The decision came at the end of a harrowing year that tried my resilience to criticism and poor timing to its very core. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that if I wanted to continue in academia with my wits even tenuously intact then I must take the time off.
I will no longer be attempting to balance all of the following things this semester as a result:
1) Practicing for and conquering the GRE
2) Crafting the best interdisciplinary/multimedia SSHRC proposal in the history of forever
3) Tracking down flighty profs for vital and glowing references
4) Writing PhD applications of such quality that acceptance to any program I desire is ensured (and funded)
5) Working 170 hours per semester for the University (the ancillary services quarter, not academic)
6) Submitting my best written essays to date for Victorian Serialized Fiction and Forest Fetish classes
7) Being the absolute best student teacher yet to grace the pedagogy class at UVIC
8) Maintaining a loving and supportive overseas relationship
9) Socialising, exercising and other things that generally contribute to good mental health.

Instead, I have the luxury of only balancing numbers 5-9. At first there was a feeling of relief. I see that I was trying to spread myself too thinly - even I can only do so much. However, thanks to the revivifying effects of VISAWUS and SCMLA, I now look back on my decision with immense sadness. I was oh-so-excited to submit my applications and pitch my ideas to the SSHRC and PhD committees and now have to wait. I have made all these lovely connections with the academic community that I am concerned may fall by the wayside sometime during this hiatus. Most difficult to remember is that I couldn't afford to feel regret if I hadn't made this choice. There is no way that, under that kind of pressure my semester was presenting, I could have completed all of these tasks to the best of my ability and expectations. In fact, I would have failed spectacularly in all ways and, what's more, I would have ruined my opportunity to do better and try again. Who would have supported me after that supernova of dissappointment? Would I have been able to rise from the flames? I think not.

On the upside, Todd's family is buying a new apartment for him (which means maybe we can get a dog). In the meantime, I will keep my wallet closed in hopes of taking the dog training program and keep my eyes open for opportunities to build my academic CV. A job for next year would be pretty awesome too....

What AM I doing with my life?

2008-11-02T22:26:00.000-08:00

This is the question that plagues me. It doesn't get easier now that I have to summarize it to all the people I am reconnecting with. It doesn't get easier when I have a totally distorted view of my life. To me, it seems like I am frozen in time - still slaving away at school just like I have been doing for the last 8 years. That's because when people ask "What did you do this weekend?" the answer is invariably "homework" or "I can't remember." Don't get excited. The reason I can't remember is not because I was out partying. It's because between working at home and doing school work there is nothing to distinguish one day from the next.

That's the usual response. However, it is high time I remember that there is a lot happening:
a) I am finishing my third university degree - that's right - third
b) I have broken into my academic field with a major idea that has been well received at all the conferences I've been to so far (three)
c) I am presenting a paper at a professional conference in Texas this coming week
d) I just had my first paper published
e) I am volunteering at the SPCA
f) I've decided to take next year off before going on to a PhD program to pursue other interests, including animal welfare and wildlife conservation
g) I've made a conscious effort to allow myself a social life this year, rectifying the cloistering effect of last year
f) I have revivified a number of old and meaningful friendships
g) my current employment is extremely fulfilling and pays more than the other jobs I had applied for this year
h) my employment over the summer for Oxford University Press added an impressive notch on my academic belt and the position with the summer camp made a significant contribution to a community
i) I have reconnected with my artistic inclinations, resulting in some exceedingly beautiful images and potential projects

I think that the risk people run in any occupation in life is forgetting that they are more than just what they do. Being the sum of your actions means being the sum of ALL your actions - not just the actions that take up the majority of your time, working towards one long term goal. This is certainly the error that I have made.

Approaches to Philosophy and Literature

2008-01-23T15:57:00.000-08:00

The divide between scholarly disciplines does a disservice to the academic field as a whole. Although interdisciplinarity is a highly touted goal of many an institution, putting this into practice has proven much more difficult thanks in large part to departmental in-fighting, institutional politics and jurisdictional wars. Despite these obstacles, the need persists for interdisciplinary scholarship. In particular, the disciplines of philosophy and literature have much to be gained from one another. I propose two methodological improvements to the fields.

1) The literary approach to the study of philosophical texts.
Vital to the study of literature, contextual information is often neglected in the discussion of philosophy. Beyond simply a historical account of chronological occurrences of ideas and responses, philosophical texts should be given the same attention to context afforded to literary texts. Who is the author? What sort of intellectual heritage is the author emerging from? In what ways was the text disseminated? Is there a reception history for the texts? How has the text influenced other authors (literary or philosophical - or otherwise)?
The amount of information of this fashion we have accumulated on literary texts constitutes a significant portion of the scholarship in the discipline. Any literary scholar or critic would deem such knowledge invaluable. Surely there is something valuable to be gained in study of this sort applied to philosophy.

2) Philosophical pedagogy as applied to literature and literary criticism in particular.
Ask any philosophy student who has studied literary theory. The teaching approach common to literary theory perpetuates the mysticism and inaccessibility that specialised scholarship is forever accused of promoting. Literary theory is most often taught independent of historical or discursive context. Likewise, it is taught in the absence of transparent, step-by-step explication of the thesis, motivation, and premises of the argument and yet there is an argument set forth by each literary theory. Granted, in many cases it is not formatted to meet the rigorous standards of the Western analytic tradition of philosophy but it is nonetheless constructed as an argument that has been textually supported and made open to critical evaluation. This is not to say that we should completely abandon the literary tradition of study when approaching literary theory. I am saying that we need to re-evaluate the methods by which we teach and employ literary theory. I am proposing a conjoining philosophical and literary method: analytic rigour and clarity combined with contextual and discursive understanding.

Bibliophilic

2008-01-23T15:41:00.000-08:00

Books I want and can't find anywhere or don't have time to read anyways
Colette Colligan:
- Traffic in Obscenity from Byron to Beardsley
Thomas Nagel:
- Mortal Questions
Martha Nussbaum:
- Upheavals of Thought: The Intelligence of Emotions
- Love's Knowledge: Essays on Philosophy and Literature
- Poetic Justice: The Literary Imagination and Public Life
Pierre Bourdieu:
- Distinction: A Social Critique of the Judgement of Taste
Immanuel Kant:
- The Critique Of Judgement
Emile Zola:
- Nana
Harold Bloom
Norris, Christopher. Fiction, Philosophy and Literary Theory, London: Continuum 2007
Porter, Burton, F. The Head and the Heart: Philosophy in Literature, Amherst, NY: Humanity Books 2007.
Lynda Nead:
- Victorian Babylon: People, Streets and Images in Nineteenth-Century London
Linda Williams:
- Hard Core: Power, Pleasure and the Frenzy of the Visible
- Porn Studies

2007-07-06T16:32:00.001-07:00

Holy Crap!
This is what happens when you can't remember your stupid sign in....Thank goodness they havent deleted my account.

A little too close for comfort

2007-02-16T13:11:00.000-08:00

Apparently there has been a bill passed somewhere in the United States making HPV vaccinations mandatory for school age girls. I can't being to communicate my discomfort on the subject. Let me count the ways: we have the sex angle....boys carry hpv too, why is it a solely female responsibility?, the legal angle.....how far can the legal system colonize my body?, this angle being enmeshed with the slippery slope concern....what are we opening the door to in the future?, and finally, the infringement on childhood....wanting to innoculate children pre-emptively before they become sexually active merely ensures that they are entrenched, very personally, within the subject matter regardless of the time in which it would actually take for this action to be warranted.
As I said, both sexes carry the Human Papilloma Virus. And yet, only girls will be receiving the innoulations. I can only assume that this is because females are the group that suffers the most from HPV, as it is a leading cause of cervical cancer and does not seem to seriously affect any part of the male anatomy. Nonetheless, this is merely an example of the problematic North American attitude of treating the symptoms of a problem instead of treating the root. If this act was truly in the spirit of preventative medicine, innoculations would be distributed universally to prevent its spread entirely and not just to prevent its cancerous result.
I understand the health concern. Cervical cancer is, in fact, Not something that should be taken lightly. However, there are safeguards against this virus that do not impinge on my personal bodily privacy and freedom, pap smears for example. Opponents of the innoculations are concerned that it will condone sexual activity. My concern lies more in the idea that the innoculations will in a sense absolve individuals of their own sexual responsibility. Being sexually active is an important responsibility and having to go in for a yearly personal health exam, which includes HPV screening, helps to keep this responsibility fresh and impactful in the mind. It also plays an important role in a person's sense of bodily ownership. I cannot stress the importance of this enough.
My final point, about actively meddling with childhood and sexual development, is probably the most reviling point of the whole discussion. So gutteral is my reaction that I'm not even convinced that I can make a coherent argument around it. Suffice it to say that I find this whole subject beyond defence.

Overexposure

2007-01-23T17:54:00.000-08:00

I got flashed today.
A man in my class was wearing a kilt with no undergarments and chose not to keep his junk to himself when he sat down. It was probably the worst part of my day. Aside from being caught entirely unawares, and having to hold my shit together because it was during a seminar AND I have a crush on the boy next to me, I had to pause and think about why this visual assaulted me so violently.
I can't imagine that it really has something to do with modesty. Who would believe me if I suddenly gasped "My virgin eyes!"? I dont feel that it is imperative for everyone to be swathed in cloth at all times of day, "hiding their shame" so to speak.
However, there is nothing remotely attractive about a man's penis....especially that of a stranger. The only time it is warranted to look or maybe even admire this particular body part is in porn and when participating in sexual engagement of one kind or another. Context is the key variable in these situations. IF I like you, and Want to see your penis, I would prefer it to be something shared only by you and myself, I being likewise exposed preferrably. Makes the whole experience much more palatable, possibly due to the pleasant physical implications.
With regards to porn, staring at a stranger's penis is really just a necessary evil in order to benefit from the personal physical response to be gleaned from femenine desire.
In class today, I found myself offended and even upset by this man's crass behaviour. Aside from the fact that its fucking chilly out, it seems ridiculous that this guy was unaware of his exposure. It is no secret that skirts greatly increase the opportunity for this kind of demonstration and I can only speculate that he was maybe doing it on purpose. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this. In a place of learning like a university, where safety has long been ingrained into the general mentality, AND the possibility for offence is in fact heightened due to the wide range of beliefs held by the students and staff, how can it be feesible that someone at some point condoned this sort of behaviour? Perhaps it is a shock tactic. Does it then require a reaction in order to be effective? If I were to take this person aside and impart to him the impact he is having on my ability to focus on class, would it instead be indulging his desire to be a shit disturber? I can't imagine any reaction I could have that would be scathing enough to make him regret his blatant disregard for the mental well being of others.
Except perhaps that he was pasty and white, and if I think about it, there wasnt all that much to be offended BY. Maybe next time be somewhat more thoughtful about what you expose to public scrutiny.

In Retrospect and What's to Come

2007-01-01T22:47:00.000-08:00

Looking back, this has been a much more eventful year than it seemed to be at the time. There have been significant changes in terms of personal behaviour, academic status, and social influences. On the whole, I would say that it was a bulimic year...binging and purging.

Binging came in a variety of forms. I at some point decided that indulging in lunacy was acceptable, provided I attributed my own part in the behaviour as merely a bystander to life. Decadent behaviour was employed at many levels; romantic (although completely devoid of genuine romance), sensual overindulgence including eating so much sushi I made myself sick, emotional overindulgence, and occasionally general sloth.

Purging came in the form of learning to tame an overgrown anxiety disorder, largely ignored for the last decade. It also came in the form of cutting from my life those individuals who caused more damage than benefit as well as discarding those who have held an unwarranted grip on me in some sense for far too long.

To many of these things I gladly bid adieu...Goodbye to bystander status; to generally allowing other factors to run my life aside from myself.

However, I hesitate at the possibility that I may have too easily discarded some aspects. These are yet to be resolved. How easily should we discard major figures in our lives? One cannot truly assess the pros and cons of such a drastic move likely until too late. Strength is located not only in resolve, but in flexibility as well. The difficult part is negotiating the delineation between being strong and being hardheaded, being compassionate and being a pushover. Endeavours will be made to this effect.

Normally, I am not one to hop on the New Year, clean slate band-wagon. It seems absurd to need a particular date to instigate change in one's own life. But this year, possibly because of the tumultuous nature of the previous year, I have found myself more suseptible to the clean-slate notion. I have many people to thank for the new perspective, both those present and conspicuously absent from my life and my thoughts.

It was suggested to me that one of my New Years resolutions be to get into grad school. This is not a viable option, being that I have control over that process only to the point that my application is sent in. Instead, I resolve to do only things within my power to affect.

I will eat breakfast.

I will actively participate in my decision making process.

I will allow myself the understanding to reneg on certain decisions, and will maintain the strength to stand by other decisions.

I look forward to a clean slate.

Dec. 16, 8pm

2006-12-10T17:09:00.000-08:00

I'm having a Christmas Party.
There will be drinks, food, games and music.
I would love contributions on any of these fronts.
I live at 4817 Frances St. (side door)
You should come. And you should tell me that you're coming.

There's only so much creative energy

2006-12-06T18:30:00.000-08:00

Appologies to anyone who cared that I haven't posted in a month. It seems that I am incapable of divying up my creative energy between important school essays and extra-curricular writing. Don't feel ripped off...I haven't done much of anything else this semester either. To re-invigorate my supposedly non-fictive habits, I present the following:

On Social Inhibition

Do you ever see a stranger on the bus and just know that that person has no idea that he's standing too close, that no one wants to discuss the ins and outs of the weather (especially with a stranger) or that a book or headphones mean willing disengagement with the surrounding environment?

Surely you have an acquaintance or two that you really dread meeting by chance and end up getting locked into tedious, uncomfortable conversation despite your best efforts.

The thing that we can't seem to understand when this happens is why the other person doesn't realise that they aren't welcome, that we don't wish to talk to them. We do all the regular things that are supposed to communicate the "no-go" signal: avoid eye contact, appear otherwise engaged, close off body language, and keep conversation to a minimum whenever possible. But nothing seems to work.

It occurs to me...a few months ago really...not recently at all....that the way we treat these people must at some point make thier social defficiency even worse. If you were trying to engage people on a one to one basis, and you were always treated like a social leper, perhaps you would begin to recognise that as a normal social interaction. The normalisation would push you further and further to the fringes of society, because you honestly couldn't recognise that what you were doing was wrong. It may eventually result in complete ostracism, which I think is very very depressing. Surely there is a way in which we can alter our communication patterns in such a way as to make ourselves understood? To correct this destructive behaviour before it ruins someone's life?

I feel like there is some overlapping characteristics here with romantic engagement, but am sort of at a loss to explain it just now. Suffice to say that when whatever you are trying is
not working, there must be some way around it. Communication does not simply fail. It's just a matter of trying a different approach.

This is my rage-y face

2006-10-23T18:08:00.000-07:00

Things that I hate:

when people in class restate my point in a more complex and convoluted manner and think that its a counterpoint to what i said.

when people on the bus take up a lot of room when there are people standing, or when people dont give their seats to old people

when old people on the bus act like they are the only ones on the bus and dont get out of the way when others are trying to get off

when i get in trouble for being implicated in things that had nothing to do with me

when veggies go bad within days of having purchased them, and i threw out the reciept not anticipating spoilage

when people harass me for the same things over and over and over.....whatever it is, it will get sorted out and your jerkiness wont speed things along

when people react in such a way to a situation that in no way reflects reality

and finally, the thing i hate most is being so repressed at this point that it doesnt occur to me that im angry about something until long after the opportunity to react has passed, forcing innappropriate venting and dissatisfaction

Shrum Bowl?

2006-10-05T18:28:00.000-07:00

Why? because I like noise and yelling....2pm at Thunderbird Stadium, Saturday Oct. 7th

I wanted to find pictures of Shrum Bowl to post, but there seem to be none. ~dissappointment~

Instead, here are some photos of my birthday last year...drinking and rowdy crowds are about equivalent...gets the point across anyways.

Drive Ins

2006-09-25T16:55:00.000-07:00

We need to bring back drive-ins. I can't think of anything I miss more from my childhood. I went to my first drive-in when I was really young...maybe four. My babysitter took me in her car with a friend and I got to sit in my pyjammas in thebackseat window. There was popcorn and candy and I got to stay out reaaaaaaaaaally late. Best babysitter ever.

I also think that a lack of drive-ins has left a gaping hole in the teen years of everyone in my generation. I was lucky enough to live in a town that this delight of popculture still thrived (at least for a while). The lives of so many of my friends are tragically devoid of even that small wonder.

What, exactly, makes the drive in so much better than any other movie or even at large popculture experience? I can't really put my finger on it. Something about being publicly private, voyeuristic where everyone can see you, taking part in something communal without actually coming into contact with those around you. It's very surreal to be able to know that you are appart of something like that without actually being confronted by the other individuals involved.

There's also the pleasure that comes from being in cars with people. Now, I know that many of you, if you drive, probably hate it. I don't blame you...seems like it could get pretty stressful at times and there is a whole new dimension of responsibility that comes from driving that I have yet to really care to add to my already large list of things that make me an adult. But I have always loved being in cars. When I was a baby my father would drive me around to put me to sleep. Contrary to the sentiments of my other family members, the 14 hour drive from Smithers to Vancouver filled me with excitement year after year. And I don't know if I have better memories with either my last boyfriend or with my last roomate than when we were in cars together for long (and sometimes short) periods of time.

Being in stationary cars is even better. Let's count the hours between us that we have sat in someone else's car after an evening out, just talking. Or not talking. It's a magical solitary space that only the people you know best tend to be in with you. I also think it's a tragedy to north american bourgeious teenage culture that I never got to make out with someone at the drive in. And chances are, neither did you.

Concerts Con't

2006-09-24T12:12:00.000-07:00

Also going to the Better Friends Than Lovers concert at SFU (tickets thru SFSS and OOC).
London Spy just got on the bill for that show also, so it should be good times all around.

Concerts, yes?

2006-09-21T18:56:00.000-07:00

I have a ticket to go see the Detroit Cobras on October 16th at Richards on Richards.

I really really want someone to come with me. However, I didn't invite anyone to come with me, nor did I buy two tickets. The reason for this is because the last time I did that, it resulted in missing the best bands at Warped Tour because the person I brought made us late. I am also still owed money for that ticket.

So, this is my open invitation to anyone who is even remotely interested in a) going to a concert, b) hanging out with me, and c) is free that night.

See you there?

For the Audience

2006-09-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

A Defense of Sham Marriages

Sham Marriages get a bad rap. Often viewed as immoral, these relationships more closely resemble business arrangements and can benefit both parties much more than we might be willing to acknowledge. Relationships based on love, while supposedly more fulfilling, are fickle.

We have implied in our current mantra of self importance and self indulgence that other people are dispensable. Relationships mean nothing in a world where everything is disposable once it ceases to do exactly what we want it to do. We have validated consumption of human relationships, leaving everyone looking for real connection disillusioned and depressed.

Entering into an agreement of marriage with another person is an entirely acceptable and beneficial manner of seeking companionship, stability and happiness in life, especially in the face of such a grim state as just mentioned. Finding someone who you may not feel passionately about, but can be close to and content with will provide a happier lifestyle.

A sham marriage would be an agreement between two parties, much like the traditional contract of marriage with the exception of love and in some cases sex. If infidelity is a considerable issue in society, perhaps this is not a reasonable expectation to have when entering into an obligation of commitment. For example, I propose that two parties, J. and Jay, enter into a contract of marriage under my new policy. The two come to an understanding of mutual dependency where J. becomes a homekeeper and a supportive other for social appearance and Jay in turn provides a home to be kept and the financial means for J. to keep it. This sounds remarkably close to traditional guidelines of a marriage however there are any number of services and exchanges that can be agreed upon in this contract. We are also free of gender roles if we so choose, depending on what suits the arrangement.

Noteably absent from this agreement is fidelity. In the arrangement of a sham marriage, since there is a lack of "love" or passionate attraction, there is also a lack of jealousy or feeling of entitlement over the other person. It is understood between the two parties that sexual relations will carry on as either party chooses and are not confined to or even include sex within the marriage. Each party fulfills thier part of the agreement while feeling free to pursue or not pursue passionate endeavours. As they are likely to be short lived, there proves no threat to the original arrangement.

Just as in any other contractual agreement, failure on the side of either party would result in a viable and reasonable dissolution of said agreement.

I have often been accused of being overly rational and cold-hearted when proposing this theory, but I would like to state that this system is not intended to remove all emotion from human interaction. It is merely meant to revise our traditional views of what can be expected from any one other person. As we all know, as individuals we are complicated people. We feel, provide and require a great number of different things from other people at any given time. It is absurd to think that there is any one person able to provide all of those things to us let alone for an extended period of time. It is equally egotistical to think that we can provide everything to that person that they might need for an extended period of time. It seems reasonable to say that it takes a village to raise a child; where do we stop needing a village? The answer is that there is no line where we go from being co-dependant beings to being entirely self sufficient or even dependant on just one person. I propose that we open our minds to the village. It's time to stop concentrating all of our needs on one or two people in our lives, stop putting strain on those who simply can't give us all we need and start expanding our hearts to let others bear the burden of human existence. There is nothing saying that we must be as individuals the be all and end all in another persons life, so why do we expect it of ourselves?

M'aide!!

2006-07-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

I need help!

There's a band called Tsunami Bombs, and the lead singer sounds strikiingly familiar. I dont know if she was in another band that I used to listen to or if she just sounds astoundingly like some other lead singer somewhere.

Either way, I neeeeeeeeed to find out what that other band is. My sanity may or may not depend on it.

Rewards will be negotiated.

A Love Sonnet to Jennifer

2006-07-03T22:30:00.000-07:00

Starry eyed and samely crossed,
As lovers we decry,
If only our sweet love was lost
to harsh society.
Alas, it is not that which keeps
our two souls in twain.
Nature has us overlooked
to bestow on one some part.
Community no longer scorns
a consummation thus.
Instead, my conscience mourns
There is no joy in a lustless type of lay.
What pleasures would we reap if only we were gay.

Navigation system missing

2006-06-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

I am in dire need of a moral mentor. I have a lurking suspicion that I am, in fact devoid of a common moral character that seems common sense to those around me. Perhaps, even, I am relatively amoral.

Granted, there are certain morays that I am unwilling to transgress. But I am not convinced that that is because I honestly feel it to be fundamentally wrong and immoral, so much as I am aware that this is what people will expect of me. I am aware of the social propriety and am able to apply these concepts practically. Is it a determination of right and wrong, or is it a trained response to avoid social ostracism?

Best case scenario....I possess a particular kind of awareness that allows me to identify control structures and am able to pick and choose which I deem actually moral or immoral. Seems unlikely.
Worst case scenario...My lack of true moral guidance will damage myself and others....and I might not care. But if I decide that I do care, then I am condemned to upholding moral institutions that I don'e believe in simply to feed my desire for social interaction.

A Pillar of Strength, or Column of Apathy?

2006-06-23T01:29:00.000-07:00

Is there a difference between being emotionally strong, and simply not caring as much as the next person?

A person is a source of emotional strength is able to deal with other people's problems without letting it affect them too much. They are able to listen and aid without becoming drawn down into the muck themselves.

If a person simply wasn's invested in your emotional well being, could they not do the same thing, with less authenticity or with less care for the outcome of their advice?

Literary Impotence

2006-06-21T21:52:00.000-07:00

It's not performance anxiety....well, in some cases it is. But not right now. Right now I simply lack the desire, the necessary agitation to get it up for papers. The magic seems to have dissappeared somewhere along the line. I dont really know when it happened. I suppose it was more of a gradual thing. I mean, I've been doing it for so long, maybe it's begun to lose novelty?

Is this a common problem? Should I be seeking help?

Maybe I've been doing it too much...too much independant writing. It might be sucking away my desire/outlet. I suppose I could always drink less.....no, I couldn't. There's no hope.

Composed between sleeping and awakening

2006-06-12T01:26:00.000-07:00

I feel like this should become something more:

I walked up to the bar
and sat down beside my pain.
Fiddling with a napkin,
I offered my pain a drink.
"Just water," he said, "I prefer to live in clarity."
I told him to suit himself, and ask the barkeep for a scotch.
I prefer to live in ease.

Update on the Awkward

2006-06-12T01:20:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine was dabbling in the online dating community and sent me some links to laugh at. I started poking around and found a particular entry that I would have actually considered writing to. Until i slowly realised that I already knew this guy and am already mildly infatuated with him.

Not really the most exciting, but the only experience where I had embarassment that was witnessed only by myself. Must be noteworthy if there was that much impact.

A small collection of offerings

2006-06-02T19:29:00.000-07:00

Why is it that the behaviour that we condemn in teenagers as angsty and pathetic is treated as tortured and romantic, even artistic in middle aged adults?
Slutting around, drinking, possibly drug abuse and then writing about it does not seem like behaviour that should be time sensitive.

How are we, as a society, so desperate for love? Relationships are started without regard for true validity of feeling and are therefore over before anyone has time to breathe and all because longing causes us to make rash decisions as though each chance we have is our very last chance at happiness. On the same note, we also seem to expect considerably more from each of these crap shoots...demanding perfection from people equally as imprefect as ourselves. There is a lack of effort put into making relationships work. We have ultimately made people just as disposable in our lives as we have made every other thing in our lust for consumption.

The lost art of letterwriting

2006-05-31T00:33:00.000-07:00

Hand writing letters to another person has become obsolete, thanks to the soul killing age of information.
Don't you miss the exhilaration of an envelope coming out of the mailbox, a slightly scuffed pearl of white paper formed in part by its journey to the little black oystershell on the front of the house? Collecting these precious pieces into a string on a timeline where each one has a slightly different hue and different memory of the person who sent it to you, they are memento mori of moments long past. They are the elegies of persons you were, and of the relationships you had with other persons equally as past.
Recieving a letter is not just a snapshot of events, its a memorial of the soul. You now have a record of who this person is and how you interacted with him or her at just that era. You are a witness to another persons existence. The texture of the paper, the slant of the script, the colour of the ink - all these things instantiate human existence in such a way that can never be replicated in any other media.
I cannot reconcile myself to the loss of my humanity due to the infliction of society on my existence. I insist on letters, long frantic descriptions of not just the life that's happening around me, but also the life that's flourishing in my head. Because there are only so many ways we can make that connection and because I miss myself and I miss you...Because I miss the feel of another soul reaching out for mine in any way to breach the isolation of this situation.
Because I want a witness to my existence, and a memorial to my soul.

Its bad. And I appologise for putting this swill into the world

2006-05-30T23:52:00.000-07:00

To the Man who Made me Mistress

To whom am I made mistress?
Where previously maid to myself,
now in bondage to another
faceless
nameless lady.

Or am I mistress to you
additional member of the harem
meant to be content to wait
and never enjoy
the moment
of arrival

And what's to be said of my moral fibre,
my resolve to minimise the collateral damage
of my life?
The fibres have been sold by you,
once i gave them away
after this i will not want them anyway.

Cemetary of Dead Metaphors

2006-05-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

Mad as a hatter - trans. someone who demonstrates insane behaviour. Was once a reference to erradic behaviour in hat makers caused by mercury poisoning from the mercury-treated felt

Rule of thumb - trans. general precept. Originated from legislation saying a man was able to beat his wife with anything thinner than his thumb

Bated breath - trans. suspensful anticipation. Origin unknown

Pregnant pause - trans. a gap in conversation that is filled with meaning. Origin in biological sense of pregnancy and now a fully fledged metaphor all on its own

On the same page - to share an understanding or method of thought. Origin from book sharing in monasteries

Turn of phrase - I have no idea with this one. It sounds like something just born into metaphor.

Drought becomes flood

2006-05-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

Now that I have a solid honors idea in place, I have come up with a variety of others that are also very intriguing:
A million little peices.....to what extent are authors to be held responsible to the public, is truth in fiction a responsibility?

In cold Blood and others: writers and their last books. What crushed thier desire?

Literature of Controversy: Is morality a matter of time?

2006-05-02T16:06:00.000-07:00

Each era has its share of books deemed obscene and unfit for public consumption. Offences range from moral depravity in the fields of marriage (Madame Bovary, Jude the Obscure), sex (Most things by Oscar Wilde and Henry Miller), mental health (Suddenly Last Summer by Tennessee Williams which also deals with sex), class (Martin Amis, Gustav Flaubert, DH Lawrence), religion etc. These are just a minute sampling of the novels and authors that create massive upheaval and unrest in the hearts of the guardians of social convention.

The reactions to these troublemakers rarely seems to differ: stifle it, supress it, wipe it out of public consciousness. The more important question is not how do we deal with these literary subversives, but moreso does the content change as we progress. Does our sense of morality evolve, or only the extent of our willingness to ignore the underbelly of liminal activities and subject matter? Are there certain inalterable goods and evils in the world determining our acceptance and rejection of literature, or is morality only a matter of time?

Screw you and your claim to access to objective truth

2006-05-01T21:27:00.000-07:00

Assuming there is an objective truth, people are far and wide out of their jurisdiction making claims to it. The often made mistake is that opinion is submitted in the form of truth. This deception leads to a corruption of society and to the concept of knowledge as we know it. If we arent careful, opinion will be taken as an accurate substitute for truth and we will be left in a world of illusion without even the desire to pull the veils away.

Many people ask the question, what is the point of knowledge anyhow? Why does it matter if we know the truth or if we live in a world of illusion? I'm not claiming that its wrong for us to choose illusion over reality. I am claiming, however, that it is important for us to be aware of the choice we are making. All our options must be made clear to us before we choose how we wish to live our lives if we are ever to make any decisions that are worthwile.

Time and the Degradation of Morality

2006-04-26T19:53:00.000-07:00

Is morality just a matter of time?
As we proceed along our timeline of life, our sense of morality develops and grows alongside of us. But does that mean that it also degrades as time progresses in the same way that our bodies degrade as we get older?

Many of us start out with a particular notion of what is moral and as we age we become more inclined to be lenient with that notion. For example, when we were in grade school holding hands was next to scandal. What is it now? Something we view as oddly childish and...elementary. We are taught as young children that lying is a cardinal sin. When we are older we decide that sometimes a lie is acceptable or even necessary. Those of us who were once clung to the straight and narrow road of abstinence and sobriety see their values changing little by little. It is this evidence that the advocate of a slippery-slope argument for the preservation of morality base their most potent attacks. And yet there must be a thin line between moral integrity and personal growth.

At some point we all gain the cognitive ability to judge the precepts that we have been taught and decide to maintain or discard them. In a society where personal growth is a marketable commodity and moral preservation is either an idyll constantly punctured or an earmark of stagnancy will we eventually be left without a standard to support our society?
In just the way that each person is said to have a price, do we each have a time?

It's a collective consciousness thing

2006-04-09T02:00:00.000-07:00

If anyone can please be a little altruistic and contribute to my cause, please do. All I ask is that you share your most recent incident of awkward. It doesn't have to be your worst, just a recent one.

My most recent awkward experience was when a good friend of mine made a "joke" about sleeping with someone we knew. Except it wasn't a joke. And it wasn't funny. And I couldn't figure out any way to make it funny. Just uncomfortable.

And now its fucking hilarious.......

Let's Play

2006-04-09T01:33:00.000-07:00

The Awkward Game!!!!

This is an exercise recommended to everyone. Just give it a try and decide for yourself.

Everyone is uncomfortable. Test your limits, test your friends. Here's how:

Go out of your way to make someone feel uncomfortable. If their reaction is to up the ante, then the game is on. If not, then let that be. Either way don't tell them it's a game.

Assuming that the game is on, continue the increase in discomfort until someone gives. It's like playing chicken. Whoever gives up first loses.

This game can also be played by exploiting already uncomfortable situations and making them worse. Don't forget to have fun and laugh. This is life at it's best!

...that's right...at it's best.

The Awkward Manifesto

2006-04-09T01:19:00.000-07:00

Life is constituted of awkward moments
linked by long periods of sleep.

These moments are the grains of human experience
that give birth to the beauty and knowledge of living.

People are too willing to anaesthetise their interactions with one another
to put a lens between themselves and life that filters out the rough edges.

Have you ever been more aware of your entire being
than when you wanted to be the least?

Those are the moments that color you, those are the things you remember.
They are the glimpses of bare reality that you should learn to treasure and seek out.

I ask you all, please go out. Put yourself in discomforts way. Engage for goodness' sake. It might feel like it's killing your soul, but without it you will be soulless.

2006-04-02T01:32:00.000-08:00

What happens when the selves we are now cannot be reconciled to the selves that exist in our minds? Are we doomed to live a splintered existence, or do these conflicting images come to superimpose and finally fuse...
If it takes too long, there are too many films to conflate and the image becomes lost.

2006-04-02T00:53:00.000-08:00

Why can we never truly know the full extent of another person?
There is forever a boundary between us determining which facet of a friend we can lay claim to. I will never have access to your entirety. I wish you could know the whole of me. But for the divide between us. There is vain hope coupled with insurmountable reservations. Aside from what we allow of ourselves to be known, there is no way to be our full selves at any one time, because we are fractured beings reflected in the spectrum of our lives.

Appropriating the Available Constructs

2006-03-30T01:00:00.000-08:00

This is taken from my class blog...I don't know why I want to put it here too. Maybe because it actually makes reference to real life as opposed to stuff I just make up.

The Available Constructs

Please comment on this if you can, guys. I'm entertaining it as a possible essay topic.

I was thinking about what Mike said today in class, about how the hobbesian stance can be applied to traditionally metaphysical notions but the metaphysical stance has more difficulty accomodating the hobbesian notions.

I think this is what ultimately accounts for the success of hobbesian social structures. It makes room for the metaphysical notions of love and gives it justification in reason as opposed to delegation to the inexplicable.

Take the movie V for Vendetta as an example. The "hero" of the film, V, is an example of the appropriation of Metaphysical ideas by the Hobbesian system. He fights Leviathan and creates unity amongst the people through his love of community and justice. However, violence and war is necessary to effect unity, just as Hobbes says. As romantic and inspirational as we will always find rebellion against authority, we cease to follow through when you realise that the movie ends on the verge of true chaos. An empire is torn apart through violent means. The country will founder in chaos until another Leviathan rises up to reinstigate peace. Peace will only come through submission to the higher order....to Leviathan.

By appropriating the metaphysical authority God, because God is Love, and making God a mortal authority Hobbesianism is able to thereby usurp all the authority of that figure and the justifications for supporting that figure as a higher power.

Hobbesianism explains the world in a way that satisfies our need for rationalism. Because it is easier to imagine and believe in the negative parts of existence than to have faith in inexplicable good, Hobbesianism gives us a more accessible theory of the world, one we can really buy into. The inability of Love to incorporate Evil into its structure in a cohesive manner means that we are asked to have "faith". But this is no longer a world in which faith is strong enough to overlook such schisms in justifying a world view.

Just a Thought...

2006-03-27T13:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think the authority figures in my life like to inflate my ego for entertainment. They then watch me bumble around, displaying an unwarranted self-confidence. Just for kicks.

2006-03-25T00:49:00.000-08:00

Can we do this more often? I want you to teach me. I don't care what.....

Corben

2006-03-25T00:46:00.000-08:00

“What do you want from me?”

A pause.

He looked into my eyes and thought for a moment before responding thickly, “Nothing…...what do you want?”

Just coming out of an alcoholic haze and into the realization of being in Corben’s arms, I was pleased with his answer and smiled as I pondered the question asked.

“I don’t exactly know,” smiling. This answer was an epiphany that had eluded me for the last two years that had passed since Cor and I had broken up.

*Spring 1998*

I stumbled as I tried to explain the unreality that had plagued me over the past few days. Romance was never really something I went in for. In fact, the whole notion as it exists today revolts me and has contributed to the end of more than one relationship. So I struggled, trying to convey myself without using the term 'romantic'.

“Well, I…I guess I have just been feeling…..well, sort of distant and …nostalgic? Maybe.”

This was an understatement, to say the least. The past days I had been slipping in and out of vicious daydreams so often that occasionally I was concerned with my grip, or rather lack thereof, on reality.

“I think I am just really dazzled by the idea of having one last fling with an old flame before we both move on with our lives, regarding each other as far off blurred memories.”

Actually, I stopped speaking after the phrase ‘old flame’, but I was sincerely thinking the rest.

I shifted myself off his lap and onto the couch next to him. The diffused light made his brown eyes appear almost black.

He made vague gestures while stammering “you’re not thinking about…you know…about…” Then more vague gesturing.

“No, I don’t know, why don’t you just say what you’re thinking?”

“Are you contemplating us getting back together?”

I was so startled. I felt my eyes grow wider. Without a second thought I blurted out “No! Absolutely not.” A stifled laugh. Perhaps a bit too quick a response for anyone’s dignity.

“Oh. Good. ‘Cause that’s not gonna happen.”

2006-03-12T23:41:00.000-08:00

I am author to myself. As she read it back to herself, she decided it sounded unreasonably pretentious and scratched it out. ~~I am author to myself~~. But then, how to start? The assignment was ridiculous and besides, she couldn't keep her mind on it anyways. As much fun as all this metaphysical abstract ideas stuff was it just didnt seem as impending as the myriad of other forces in life.

In Medias Res

2006-02-27T15:49:00.000-08:00

A current overhaul is occuring, in order to align my online meanderings with the outrage of my moral fibre.