Monday, January 01, 2007

In Retrospect and What's to Come

Looking back, this has been a much more eventful year than it seemed to be at the time. There have been significant changes in terms of personal behaviour, academic status, and social influences. On the whole, I would say that it was a bulimic year...binging and purging.

Binging came in a variety of forms. I at some point decided that indulging in lunacy was acceptable, provided I attributed my own part in the behaviour as merely a bystander to life. Decadent behaviour was employed at many levels; romantic (although completely devoid of genuine romance), sensual overindulgence including eating so much sushi I made myself sick, emotional overindulgence, and occasionally general sloth.

Purging came in the form of learning to tame an overgrown anxiety disorder, largely ignored for the last decade. It also came in the form of cutting from my life those individuals who caused more damage than benefit as well as discarding those who have held an unwarranted grip on me in some sense for far too long.

To many of these things I gladly bid adieu...Goodbye to bystander status; to generally allowing other factors to run my life aside from myself.

However, I hesitate at the possibility that I may have too easily discarded some aspects. These are yet to be resolved. How easily should we discard major figures in our lives? One cannot truly assess the pros and cons of such a drastic move likely until too late. Strength is located not only in resolve, but in flexibility as well. The difficult part is negotiating the delineation between being strong and being hardheaded, being compassionate and being a pushover. Endeavours will be made to this effect.

Normally, I am not one to hop on the New Year, clean slate band-wagon. It seems absurd to need a particular date to instigate change in one's own life. But this year, possibly because of the tumultuous nature of the previous year, I have found myself more suseptible to the clean-slate notion. I have many people to thank for the new perspective, both those present and conspicuously absent from my life and my thoughts.

It was suggested to me that one of my New Years resolutions be to get into grad school. This is not a viable option, being that I have control over that process only to the point that my application is sent in. Instead, I resolve to do only things within my power to affect.

I will eat breakfast.

I will actively participate in my decision making process.

I will allow myself the understanding to reneg on certain decisions, and will maintain the strength to stand by other decisions.

I look forward to a clean slate.

3 Comments:

Blogger Jen said...

Worthy 2007 endeavors!

8:10 p.m.  
Blogger Juliette said...

Good luck to you in these Endeavors...whatever year it may be. I, too, suffered for almost a decade now with an anxiety disorder. I, also, made the decision to purge certain people from my life as well as made many lifestyle changes. And so, good luck to you in these endeavors no matter what day it is.

7:30 p.m.  
Anonymous Anika said...

You write very well.

8:25 a.m.  

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