Tuesday, January 23, 2007


I got flashed today.
A man in my class was wearing a kilt with no undergarments and chose not to keep his junk to himself when he sat down. It was probably the worst part of my day. Aside from being caught entirely unawares, and having to hold my shit together because it was during a seminar AND I have a crush on the boy next to me, I had to pause and think about why this visual assaulted me so violently.
I can't imagine that it really has something to do with modesty. Who would believe me if I suddenly gasped "My virgin eyes!"? I dont feel that it is imperative for everyone to be swathed in cloth at all times of day, "hiding their shame" so to speak.
However, there is nothing remotely attractive about a man's penis....especially that of a stranger. The only time it is warranted to look or maybe even admire this particular body part is in porn and when participating in sexual engagement of one kind or another. Context is the key variable in these situations. IF I like you, and Want to see your penis, I would prefer it to be something shared only by you and myself, I being likewise exposed preferrably. Makes the whole experience much more palatable, possibly due to the pleasant physical implications.
With regards to porn, staring at a stranger's penis is really just a necessary evil in order to benefit from the personal physical response to be gleaned from femenine desire.
In class today, I found myself offended and even upset by this man's crass behaviour. Aside from the fact that its fucking chilly out, it seems ridiculous that this guy was unaware of his exposure. It is no secret that skirts greatly increase the opportunity for this kind of demonstration and I can only speculate that he was maybe doing it on purpose. I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this. In a place of learning like a university, where safety has long been ingrained into the general mentality, AND the possibility for offence is in fact heightened due to the wide range of beliefs held by the students and staff, how can it be feesible that someone at some point condoned this sort of behaviour? Perhaps it is a shock tactic. Does it then require a reaction in order to be effective? If I were to take this person aside and impart to him the impact he is having on my ability to focus on class, would it instead be indulging his desire to be a shit disturber? I can't imagine any reaction I could have that would be scathing enough to make him regret his blatant disregard for the mental well being of others.
Except perhaps that he was pasty and white, and if I think about it, there wasnt all that much to be offended BY. Maybe next time be somewhat more thoughtful about what you expose to public scrutiny.

Monday, January 01, 2007

In Retrospect and What's to Come

Looking back, this has been a much more eventful year than it seemed to be at the time. There have been significant changes in terms of personal behaviour, academic status, and social influences. On the whole, I would say that it was a bulimic year...binging and purging.

Binging came in a variety of forms. I at some point decided that indulging in lunacy was acceptable, provided I attributed my own part in the behaviour as merely a bystander to life. Decadent behaviour was employed at many levels; romantic (although completely devoid of genuine romance), sensual overindulgence including eating so much sushi I made myself sick, emotional overindulgence, and occasionally general sloth.

Purging came in the form of learning to tame an overgrown anxiety disorder, largely ignored for the last decade. It also came in the form of cutting from my life those individuals who caused more damage than benefit as well as discarding those who have held an unwarranted grip on me in some sense for far too long.

To many of these things I gladly bid adieu...Goodbye to bystander status; to generally allowing other factors to run my life aside from myself.

However, I hesitate at the possibility that I may have too easily discarded some aspects. These are yet to be resolved. How easily should we discard major figures in our lives? One cannot truly assess the pros and cons of such a drastic move likely until too late. Strength is located not only in resolve, but in flexibility as well. The difficult part is negotiating the delineation between being strong and being hardheaded, being compassionate and being a pushover. Endeavours will be made to this effect.

Normally, I am not one to hop on the New Year, clean slate band-wagon. It seems absurd to need a particular date to instigate change in one's own life. But this year, possibly because of the tumultuous nature of the previous year, I have found myself more suseptible to the clean-slate notion. I have many people to thank for the new perspective, both those present and conspicuously absent from my life and my thoughts.

It was suggested to me that one of my New Years resolutions be to get into grad school. This is not a viable option, being that I have control over that process only to the point that my application is sent in. Instead, I resolve to do only things within my power to affect.

I will eat breakfast.

I will actively participate in my decision making process.

I will allow myself the understanding to reneg on certain decisions, and will maintain the strength to stand by other decisions.

I look forward to a clean slate.